Navigating Shidduchim

Parshas Eikev (2023) The 15th of Av We will begin our journey into the understanding of Tu B'Av, the 15th day of Av, with some background information. (Eichah Rabbah, Petichta 33)- “Rabbi Ze’eira began: “My lyre is for mourning, and my flute is for the voice of weepers” (Job 30:31). There it is taught: Rabban Shimon ben Gamliel said: There were no days as joyous for Israel as the fifteenth of Av and as Yom Kippur, on which the daughters of Jerusalem would go out in white borrowed garments so as not to embarrass the ones who did not have one. All the garments required immersion. The daughters of Israel would go out in them and dance in the vineyards. It is taught: One who did not have a wife would turn to there. What would they say? ‘Young man, lift your eyes and see what you are choosing for yourself. Do not look at beauty, look at lineage.’ Likewise it says: “Emerge, daughters of Zion, and gaze at King Solomon, at the crown with which his mother crowned him on the day of his wedding, and on the day of the rejoicing of his heart” (Song of Songs 3:11). “The day of his wedding” – this is the giving of the Torah. “The day of the rejoicing of his heart” – this is the building of the Temple, may it be built speedily in our days. Granted Yom Kippur, as it is a day of pardon and forgiveness for Israel, because it is the day on which the last tablets were given. However, what is the fifteenth of Av? Rabbi Yaakov bar Aḥa said in the name of Rabbi Asi: It is the ideal time for chopping trees, as all the trees chopped on it do not produce a worm, and it is taught: Any wood in which a worm is found is disqualified from being atop the altar. Rabbi Abba bar Kahana and Rabbi Asi said in the name of Ulla in the name of Rabbi [Yehuda HaNasi]: It was then that Hoshea ben Ela canceled the sentries that Yerovam ben Nevat had deployed on the roads. Rav Kahana asked before Rav: Is it possible that he did all this good and it is written in his regard: “Shalmaneser, king of Assyria, ascended against him, [and Hoshea became his servant]” (II Kings 17:3)? Rather, it is because he removed the collar from his neck and placed it on the neck of the masses, and he did not say: ‘All the people should ascend and pray,’ but rather, ‘anyone who wishes to ascend let him ascend.’ Rabbi Shmuel bat Naḥmani [said], and some say it in the name of Rabbi Shmuel bar Yitzḥak: [The fifteenth of Av is] the day the tribes were permitted to enter into marriage with one another, as it is stated: “And every daughter who inherits an inheritance [from the tribes of the children of Israel shall be a wife to one of the family of the tribe of her father]” (Numbers 36:8), and it is written: “And no inheritance shall pass from tribe to another tribe…” (Numbers 36:9). Is it possible for a daughter to inherit [from] two tribes? Rather, say on this basis, her father was from one tribe and her mother from another tribe. The Rabbis said: [It is] the day the tribe of Benjamin was permitted to enter the congregation, as it is written: “Cursed is one who gives a woman to Benjamin” (Judges 21:18). Rabbi Yoḥanan said: They read a verse and drew them near, they read a verse and distanced them. They read a verse and drew them near: “A nation and an assembly of nations shall be from you” (Genesis 35:11). They read a verse and distanced them: “Ephraim and Manasseh will be like Reuben and Simeon for me” (Genesis 48:5) – as they are not considered with their brothers. Rav Yehuda said that Shmuel said: It was the day that the tribes were permitted to marry each other, for the first time. (Since the daughters of Tz’lafchad.) Rav Matna said: It was the day that the slain of Beitar were allowed to be buried. Rabbi Eliezer the Great said: It is reasonable on the fifteenth; from that point on, the intensity of the sun wanes and they would no longer chop wood for the arrangement. Rabbi Menasya said: They called it the day of the breaking of the scythe. From that point on: One who adds, adds, and one who does not add, will be gathered. Rabbi Avin and Rabbi Yoḥanan said: It is the day that the digging for those who died in the wilderness was halted. Rabbi Levi said: Every eve of the ninth of Av, Moses would dispatch a herald to the entire camp, saying: ‘Go out and dig,’ and they would go out and dig graves and sleep in them. In the morning, he would dispatch a herald saying: ‘Rise and separate the dead from the living,’ and they would stand and take themselves out. Fifteen thousand and more were subtracted, for a total of six hundred thousand. In the fortieth year, the last one, they did so and found themselves intact. They said: ‘It appears that we were mistaken in our calculation (of the dates),’ and they did the same on the tenth, the eleventh, the twelfth, the thirteenth, and the fourteenth. When the moon was full, they said: It appears that the Holy One blessed be He abrogated the decree from upon us, and they then rendered it a holiday. But due to their iniquities, mourning beset this world with the destruction of the Temple twice. That is what is written: “My lyre is for mourning, and my flute is for the voice of weepers” (Job 30:31). “The people wept that night” (Numbers 14:1) – when they were exiled, Jeremiah began lamenting over them: “How does…sit solitary?” (Lamentations 1:1).” Notwithstanding all of the opinions in the above Midrash It still seems difficult to understand how the 15th of Av and Yom Kippur are on the same level. It’s true there are many possible reasons that the 15th of Av was a joyous occasion, but even so can it compare to the paramount preeminence of the day when we received the second set of Luchos and were granted pardon for the sin of the Golden Calf? Let us now point out that Parshas Eikev ALWAYS follows Shabbos Nachamu/Parshas Va’eschanan, and it is therefore always in close proximity to the 15th of Av. Parshas Eikev recaps the events surrounding the two sets of Luchos and the sin of the Golden Calf which are clearly linked to Yom Kippur. In a nutshell, the Parsha correlated with Tu B'Av deals with Yom Kippur, suggesting a strong relationship between the two. The general question we will be working to understand is what is the significant theme of Parshas Eikev that allows these ideas to coalesce in a way that can give us a deeper understanding into these two days? Another question we will discuss is what about these two days is especially propitious in regards to shidduchim? Why only now did everyone go out to the fields and look for matches? We will begin with the main points of the rebuke Moshe presents in this Parsha, then ask several questions and form our idea based on this. Moshe begins by premonishing the Jews not to think that HaShem will bring them into the Land of Israel through their own merit (9:4-7): And when your G-d ה׳ has thrust them from your path, say not to yourselves,” ה׳ has enabled us to possess this land because of our virtues”; it is rather because of the wickedness of those nations that HaShem is dispossessing them before you. It is not because of your virtues and your rectitude that you will be able to possess their country; but it is because of their wickedness that your G-d ה׳ is dispossessing those nations before you, and in order to fulfill the oath that ה׳ made to your fathers Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Know, then, that it is not for any virtue of yours that your God ה׳ is giving you this good land to possess; for you are a stiff necked people. Remember, never forget, how you provoked your God ה׳ to anger in the wilderness: from the day that you left the land of Egypt until you reached this place, you have continued defiant toward ה׳. Moshe then relates the different times the Jews angered HaShem, including an in-depth recounting of the sin of the Golden Calf, references to the sins at Taveirah, Ma’asah, and Kivros Ha’Ta’avah, and of course the sin of the spies. Moshe stresses that despite the people’s stiff-necked sinfulness, HaShem forgave the nation on each occasion. The narrative then returns to the aftermath of the sin of the Golden Calf (10:8-9): At that time ה׳ set apart the tribe of Levi to carry the Ark of HaShem’s Covenant, to stand in attendance upon HaShem, and to bless in G-do’s name, as is still the case. That is why Levi has received no hereditary portion along with its kin: HaShem is its portion, as your G-d HaShem spoke concerning it. Moshe then admonishes the Jews to follow HaShem’s commandments (10:12-13): And now, O Israel, what does your G-d HaShem demand of you? Only this: to revere your G-d HaShem , to walk only in divine paths, to love and to serve your G-d HaShem with all your heart and soul, keeping HaShem’s commandments and laws, which I enjoin upon you today, for your good. Moshe furthermore instructs the Jews refrain from stiffening their necks and to aid the needy (10:16-19): Cut away, therefore, the thickening about your hearts and stiffen your necks no more. For your God HaShem is G-d supreme and Lord supreme, the great, the mighty, and the awesome G-d, who shows no favor and takes no bribe, but upholds the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and befriends the stranger, providing food and clothing.— You too must befriend the stranger, for you were strangers in the land of Egypt. Moshe’s next exhortation is to heed the lessons of the past which we witnessed with our own eyes (11:2-7): Take thought this day that it was not your children, who neither experienced nor witnessed the lesson of your G-d HaShem—G-d’s majesty, mighty hand, and outstretched arm;the signs and the deeds that [G-d ] performed in Egypt against Pharaoh king of Egypt and all his land; what [God] did to Egypt’s army, its horses and chariots; how יהוה rolled back upon them the waters of the Sea of Reeds when they were pursuing you, thus destroying them once and for all; what [G-d] did for you in the wilderness before you arrived in this place; and what [God] did to Dathan and Abiram, sons of Eliav son of Reuben, when the earth opened her mouth and swallowed them, along with their households, their tents, and every living thing in their train, from amidst all Israel—but that it was you who saw with your own eyes all the marvelous deeds that HaShem performed. Moshe then praises the magnificent bounty of Israel (11:10-12): For the land that you are about to enter and possess is not like the land of Egypt from which you have come. There the grain you sowed had to be watered by your own labors, like a vegetable garden; but the land you are about to cross into and possess, a land of hills and valleys, soaks up its water from the rains of heaven. It is a land which your G-d HaShem looks after, on which your God HaShem always keeps an eye, from year’s beginning to year’s end. Our Parsha concludes by describing the reward and punishment system whereby the Jews will prosper mightily when they follow HaShem’s commandments and suffer terrible calamities when they fail to do so. Here are four questions we will examine: 1. Is there a way to encapsulate WHY we are such a stubborn and stiff-necked people, as well as HOW we can come to have awe of HaShem? 2. Why in fact does HaShem NOT reject us because of our incessant stubbornness? 3. What is the specific greatness of HaShem regarding the care of the widow and the orphan plus His love of the convert to give the convert bread and clothing (see above)? 4. Why IS Tu B’Av SUCH a happy day Also, do the above mentioned reasons compare at ALL to Yom Kippur? We will begin by suggesting an idea that while perhaps most of us are familiar with on an elementary level, we could really benefit from internalizing the concept to a deeper degree. What does Moshe mean when he calls us a stiff-necked people? What exactly is he trying to describe about us? The idea we will posit to answer this question is based on an underestimation we have for the value of the qualities that all Jews intrinsically possess. The fact that we have forefathers whom HaShem desired and singled out as the progenitors of the chosen nation means that as far as our essential characteristics go, there is no lack of ability or potential within us. We will never be despaired over or rejected because we will always retain the fundamental traits that make us HaShem’s treasured nation. The idea of us being stiff-necked and stubborn speaks to our attitude, not our inherent quality of being. The issue of our stubborn rebelliousness, resulting from an unwillingness to change, is a flawed and negative approach to our relationship with HaShem. It is an outlook that says instead of examining ourselves we will demand improvement in the way HaShem treats us. Moshe’s rebuke in our Parsha is not that we have a natural objectionability or unpleasantness within the substance of our character makeup. It is that we approach our relationship with HaShem bearing a mindset of this negativity and rebelliousness. This elucidates the well-known verse in Yeshaya (1:18) -- “‘Come, let us (debate) reach an understanding,’ says HaShem. ‘Be your sins like crimson, they can turn snow-white; be they red as dyed wool, they can become like fleece.’” Simply speaking, God is offering us the opportunity for us to come to an agreement for our red [sins] to be turned white, clean and pure. But the verse mentions no aspect of repentance atonement as prerequisites for this form of forgiveness? Because if we can only get over our stubborn refusal to take personal responsibility, if we can look at the truth of our sins and acknowledge the facts of our guilt, we will be immediately absolved. The reason for this is if we can change our mindset to one of seeking truth then change is imminent. And this paradigm shift is the key to resolving our rebellious and stiff-necked ways. Notwithstanding everything our nation did wrong HaShem told Moshe to guide us to the Land of Israel because despite this negative and unhealthy attitude we possessed, we are always intrinsically redeemable. The theme of Moshe’s rebuke is that our problem is not a flawed essence but an impaired outlook. Reading the Midrash carefully, we see Yom Kippur is a day of pardon and forgiveness for Israel for posterity BECAUSE it is the day on which the last tablets were given, and not the other way around. In other words, it is the happiness that was created by HaShem in His giving us the second Luchos that CREATES the nature of the day of Yom Kippur for the future. The happiness we are discussing is an outgrowth of our realization of HaShem’s belief in us. The fact He committed to continue working with us to help shift our stubborn mentality despite the Golden Calf proved that He really believes in our inherent capabilities and potential, and this brought a tremendous happiness for us on this day. This teaches us everything we need to understand about the correct approach and attitude coming into a new growth or rebuilding phase in a relationship. The question is not if the people involved are of adequate quality and compatibility. The only question is if the people involved possess a healthy outlook and attitude that will enable them to work on change and growth. The Midrash isn’t saying that these days were happy days because unmarried Jews could find matches. On the contrary, they were especially susceptible to finding their matches because on these days we recall just how much HaShem believes in us and the associated feelings of happiness and of self-worth YIELDS FINDING healthy relationships. This is everything going wrong in relationships today. There is no issue of compatibility among Jews, but we do need to come in with the appropriate attitude and willingness to shift and change. We need to keep in mind that all Jews have the right intrinsic qualities. As the Midrash says, “Do not look at beauty, look at lineage.” Because we must realize that every Jew has unquantifiable potential engendered by their internal value as a child of our forefathers. It is when we recognize and internalize the happiness of these days that the possibility of cultivating healthy new relationships will be created. This is because se we will not be seeking relationships as a means to finding happiness! Only a relationship between two truly independently happy people can be healthfully built and maintained. The days Tu B’Av and Yom Kippur share a message of hope and happiness for us because special relief or forgiveness occurred on those days. It is as a result of the happiness of those days that a positive environment for cultivating new relationships and repairing and improving existing relationships is created. And this is why both these days were marked for finding shidduchim. After the sin of the Golden Calf it would be completely rational to suggest that the Jews are beyond saving. Merely forty days after hearing from the Mouth of HaShem, “You shall have no other gods besides me,” they went ahead and committed this most grievous offense. But HaShem forgave them and even built a new set of Luchos. This signified an ongoing marriage bond which gave the Jews a massive confidence boost and reason to believe in their ability. It was a reason to be happy despite their heavy failings. The spirit of positivity on this day permeated our relationship and became our mechanism for forgiveness. This is the source of our happiness on Yom Kippur; with this we can grasp the correct outlook and attitude for change and growth in our relationship. Tu B’Av has a similar level of happiness. On the first Tu B’Av the Jews realized that HaShem had finally ended the decree of death for the generation of the desert. Even after a sin so perverse that it resulted in 600,000 deaths we see there can still be a future for our nation. This realization created such a tremendous happiness that on the anniversary of this spirit of positivity we can get back in touch with the necessary mentality for building and strengthening our relationships. Lifting the ban on inter-tribal marriages speaks to the incredible quality and oneness of the Jewish People and how we ultimately will synchronize into ONE. This also speaks of HaShem’s special love for us as ONE people. Again, this makes Tu B’Av a day of special happiness at our tremendous abilities as HaShem’s nation. Moreover, removing the roadblocks set up by Yerav’am speaks to the possibility of reengaging with HaShem directly and HASHEM’s willingness and desire for that despite our waywardness and rebelliousness. For this reason too, Tu B’Av is a special day of recognizing HaShem’s belief in our greatness. Moshe focuses on HaShem’s trait of caring for the orphan and widow, and our responsibility to do the same, because this speaks to the idea of concern and looking after another for the sake of their true essence and not their power, position, or assets. He also speaks out how HaShem provides the convert with bread and clothing, the most basic day-to-day necessities. Giving someone love by providing for their basic needs like clothing and food means that you are totally invested in them. It is important not to go so far as to provide permanent sources of aid as this will impact the recipient’s sense of self. While HaShem gives special attention to these groups of needy people, the truth is He treats all those He provides for with the same cares. Moshe includes this reminder here to stress the point that no matter our power and status HaShem will always attend to us in the most effective and helpful manner because He knows we have the necessary qualities to be His special people. It is imperative we remember the love HaShem has for us and the positive message of Tu B’Av. Despite our many stagnations throughout history we can always clearly see HaShem’s belief in us, even with all the punishments and sorrows. Specifically at this time after Tisha B’Av and Shabbos Nachamu we see this message of positivity and hope for our future. It is on this basis that we should strive to build a relationship with HaShem and others. Using this as the compass for navigating future or present relationships will jumpstart amazing development and positive change. Lastly, we must all recognize that one of the best ways to fix ourselves is by committing to help another and assist the other to become their greatest selves. Practical Applications 1. Because we have forefathers whom HaShem desired and singled out as the progenitors of His chosen nation we have all the correct essential characteristics. There is no lack of ability or potential within us. This means that EVERY Jewish person is WORKABLE unless they are in the stubbornness of choosing to NOT change. 2. The question is not if Jewish people are of adequate quality and possible compatibility. The only question is if the people involved possess a healthy outlook and attitude that will enable them to work on change and growth. 3. It is when we recognize and internalize the happiness of these days (Yom Kippur and Tu B’Av) that the possibility of cultivating healthy new relationships will be created. This is because we will not be seeking relationships as a means to finding happiness, rather our happiness and positive attitude will help us to build the right relationships. Only a relationship between two truly independently happy people can be healthfully built and maintained. 4. There is no issue of compatibility among Jews, but we do need to come in with the appropriate attitude and willingness to shift and change. We need to keep in mind that all Jews have the right intrinsic qualities. As the Midrash says, “Do not look at beauty, look at lineage.” Because we must realize that every Jew has unquantifiable potential engendered by their internal value as a child of our forefathers.